With Meghan Markle about to spend her second Christmas at Sandringham, ‘tis surely the season to press our faces as firmly as possible up against the windows of the Queen’s annual festive jamboree. After all, there are plenty of questions that need answering. Like: do they wear paper crowns at dinner, or do they save the effort of pulling a cracker and just hand out a few of the Queen’s spares? If they miss her speech, does she reel it off from memory? And, crucially, when various legs, be they regnant, consort or apparent, need stretching – what the hell do you do for fun around here?

Since the village of Sandringham has a population of (per the 2011 census) 437, let’s broaden the definition...